Tighten your thighs, folks: now we’re only 15 days away from release Zack Snyder’s Justice League, the film that will finally give fans of superhero movies exactly what they have always said they want, thus freeing our planet from their collective sense of anger and rights, permanently, and probably winning Snyder a Nobel Peace Prize in the process. . HBO Max, the company trying to ride this digital bear digital bronze, has continued to support the anticipation of the film – which, today, means the company has released chapter titles for Snyder’s epic, because God knows you can’t make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into chapters with pitiful titles. (To be clear, all chapters will be released as a single four-hour film.)
Actually, Justice League will be cut in six chapters and – having already set up our business before the planetary re-alignment announced by the long-awaited re-release of the film – we thought it would make an old-fashioned baseless speculation about what each of these demarcations would could have Evil.
Chapter One: “Don’t Rely on That, Batman”
Now, a simple reading from A to B of the text would suggest that it is largely centered on the opening portions of the 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry tells Bruce Wayne exactly this line when he refuses his offer to be one of his “warriors.” But given Snyder’s marked contempt for Joss Whedon’s version of the film and his love of including the extra bonus villains in this new version, we can assume that this chapter will include instead and focus on an appearance from the classic computer of Batman bastards (no count on it, see), possibly dressed as John the Baptizer.
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Chapter Two: The Age of Heroes
A literal reading might suggest that this section will re-hash some of the sections of the story from the original background of Justice League, showing the ancient battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlanteans and Amazons against the great evil of the film, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them all on a magic carpet ride straight to hell. In the meantime, the new version – we assume – will be 40 minutes from the movie Heroes telling each other AGES as a kind of teambuilding exercise.
Chapter Three: Beloved Mother, Beloved Son
Ray Fisher’s cyborg reveals that the mystical Motherbox who brought both him and Superman back to life is also unlikely to be called “Martha”.
Chapter Four: “Changing the Car”
As Steppenwolf combines the mother boxes to reshape the face of the Earth and announce the arrival of his master, Darkseid, Bruce Wayne struggles to park his vehicle for all Knightcrawler land, doing what you spend 10 minutes trying to flatten a dollar bill. against the corner of the car until the damn shift machine finally accepts it.
Chapter Five: All the King’s Horses
The darkest hour on Earth is avoided when King Horse, the greatest hero on the planet, releases his titaniumic Whinny, shaking Steppenwolf’s army to pieces. (The only human victim of the attack is a man named “Woss Jhedon,” who is buried alive under 40 tons of rubble.) When General Apokaliptan begs for mercy, King Horse seals his fate in the next League debate by voting “No. ”
Chapter Six: Something Darker
All members of the Justice League, as well as a sudden-appearing Darkseid, return directly to the room, encouraging viewers to check out the upcoming film, even less colorful “Justice is gray” version. King Horse shakes his head wearily and heads to explore the stars.
And that’s credit, folks, a short four hours of your life later. A rather titanic achievement on the part of Snyder and a fulfillment of his long vision for this superhero uni …
Wait, really? A scene in the middle of the credits in Newswire about the superhero movie? How low will this shit go? Ugh, okay:
Epilogue
Martian Manhunter appears, explains to Ryan Reynolds’ disappointed fans that he is all they get this time, so he might as well sip it and enjoy it.
Jesus Christ.