If I had more fully shared my persevering thoughts of annihilation, or perhaps if she had asked different questions, I could have felt heard. As I was, I left her office and never returned.
Augenthaler says, “You should feel comfortable and you should feel heard, and if you ever feel ‘You’re not getting me,’ he’s not the right therapist for you.”
Anne Nayor, licensed clinical social worker in St. Thomas said it best: “Therapists are not gods, they are just people and they make mistakes.”
I stayed away from therapy for 10 years, until my 24-year marriage was threatened by my husband’s betrayal. He promised that the deal was over, but then he refused to discuss or acknowledge it, and I couldn’t go on without talking about it. The licensed counselor I found through my brother advised me to make my home a more relaxing place for my husband, and when he feels more comfortable, he will be more open to talking about the business.
This advice seemed wrong to me, but I did not know how to contradict the person with education and training. Instead, I turned on the suggested gas lights and stayed in my marriage while my husband happily ran his business.
Janice Seward, PhD in clinical psychology, said: “Therapy has an inherent power difference and we are more likely to give up things like our gut feeling when we are in a relationship where someone has a perception of power. It is important to continue to trust your gut, even if someone has a doctorate by their name. If you feel that something is wrong, something is probably wrong. “
A year after I made my husband comfortable, my marriage finally exploded. This time I found the right analyst, through a referral from a friend.
John Gyra, a clinical psychologist, helped me discover the truth of my marriage and heal myself. I also discovered why my previous therapists had not been so useless – I needed someone with training and education to recognize the emotional abuse in my marriage. With his help and guidance, I increased the strength I needed to stand firm during the three-year settlement negotiations. He pushed me to feel the anger I suppressed beneath my feelings of being victimized and to learn to work with those strong feelings. He helped me find the words to have conversations with my children about their father.
Eventually, I felt seen and heard. Seward agrees with the other professionals I interviewed. “There has been research on what is actually therapeutic and curative and is the relationship between therapist and client.”
She advises you to get help sooner than waiting for a crisis to occur. Know that what you feel could be normal, given the stressors of these times, but it could also be outside the limits of what you can deal with on your own.
Seward adds: “30 years ago there were three flavors of therapy; now there are five hundred. ” If you work with someone who is licensed or registered, there will be a licensing board, whose main purpose is to ensure the safety of customers. It also sets a minimum standard that a therapist must meet.
There are also many online “on demand” providers, such as BetterHelp, TalkSpace and, if you are in Canada, Online-Therapy.com. There has been a paradigm shift since I saw Dr. Gyra almost 15 years ago. Getting help has become much more affordable and accessible.
Ask your doctor, friends and family for recommendations. If you are employed, contact the human care or human resources department. Do not hesitate to talk to several therapists until you find one that you are comfortable with. Most will offer a free initial 10- to 15-minute telephone conversation. Check out therapists’ websites, read their biographies, and look at their pictures to see if anyone resonates with you or specializes in issues you think you’re experiencing.