Not all men are guilty of sexually harassing women at work and beyond. But all men have an instrumental role to play in the broader effort to combat harassment of women and simply start by talking about this issue with other men.
Failure to condemn sexual harassment – whether verbal harassment or direct physical aggression – can predict dire consequences for those close to you, as comedian Daniel Sloss explained in his 2019 HBO special comedy. about a male friend who raped his girlfriend and how he did nothing about the countless warning signs that predicted the horrific event. He could have acted, perhaps simply by saying something his male friend, who often displayed several red flags, but instead raised from danger.
Given the spread of harassment and sexual assault around the world – nearly one in five women in the US will be sexually assaulted during her lifetime, according to 2010 figures compiled by National Resource Center for Sexual Violence“Sloss words are a strong warning.”
As Sloss notes, the process of depriving sexual harassment of its normalcy begins with men talking about it, instead of ignoring it. Here’s how to get started.
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Listen when women talk about their experiences
One way that men can fully understand the ubiquity of sexual harassment in society is to listen when women talk about their experiences. According to Heather Stevenson, a psychologist specializing in men’s issues, talking to women at home can lead to the insidious nature of the phenomenon in ways that discussions with men simply cannot.
She tells Lifehacker:
Coming from a place of curiosity and genuine openness will usually be greeted with receptivity, and hearing direct stories from people you know will have a greater impact on how you process information. If you still don’t feel comfortable initiating a conversation with a woman in your life, watch one of these videos with women who record their street walking experience and the harassment that men have. Then use it as an opener with someone you know.
It is impossible for men to rationalize the extent of global harassment – whether on the street, online, behind closed doors in private homes, at work and beyond – without hearing it from women themselves. Listening to women will help men understand how close people could have endured this type of harassment for years – perhaps they dare to take action.
Take action with male allies
Beyond talking to women, men can go from unforeseen to allies talking when they witness the bad behavior of other men. Wearing these conversations regularly is good and necessary, and men should constantly call for cases of misogyny uttered by their friends, family and co-workers.
But the work becomes more actionable when men ally with others dedicated to the cause. University of Southern California Social Work School urges men to “maintain a continuous dialogue with friends, colleagues and family members, with the ultimate goal of encouraging more people to become active allies for the cause.”
In turn, Stevenson recommends some more targeted advice, pointing to organizations such as A call to men and Enough man as specific resources. She tells Lifehacker that men should consult these groups, as they will allow them to “find other men who may already have these types of dialogues or are open to these types of conversations as a way to continue and deepen their work.”
When it comes to casual friends, Stevenson makes a clear distinction between positioning himself as an educator and simply questioning comments you might find inappropriate.
“We don’t necessarily need you to always take on the role of educator with other men, although it’s appreciated when you do,” she says. “But we need you to at least take on the role of questioner or repeater of comments / conversations” that perpetuates harmful notions about women.
Rethink how people talk about sex
Much of the accidental misogyny woven into today’s social fabric begins with the way men are socialized. Many of these are shaped by the media and how women have been hyper-sexualized to gel with male stereotypical tastes. To help a wider segment of men understand that their conception of femininity was conceived by a culture that positions women as objects that exist only in relation to men, men need to break down the ways in which they have been taught to talk about sex.
As Stevenson explains, men need to question popular images, featured in advertising, movies, and pornography, that openly sexualize women:
When the programming we are all subjected to only has stereotyped roles, we all become passively conditioned to take those beliefs and therefore act from a place of justice in response to these messages. The problem really comes from the fact that we do not stop to question what we are fed, why and who is behind the wheel who drives these messages.
When men begin to understand that portraying women in the media is a fabricated ideal, it will help eliminate the lasting impact of the problem. Fortunately, if you are a man who wants to help change the difference, you can do your part in relatively simple ways. It is imperative to do so.