Suicide rates have soared in the United States in recent years, and Washington personal finance coach Tammy Lally is convinced that the shame associated with financial hardship is one of the factors influencing this.
Lally’s brother committed suicide in 2007 after receiving a notice of execution. Shortly after, Lally’s mortgage business collapsed during the 2008 recession.
She says she has gone from driving a Mercedes and living on the ocean to filing for bankruptcy.
“I was devastated by the pain and sorrow I experienced,” says Lally. ‘I haven’t told anyone. I pretended nothing was wrong. “
At one point she realized she was embarrassed, that she was a failure because of her financial troubles. When she changed jobs and became an economic consultant, she realized how damaging those perceptions are.
Some customers were ashamed of their debts and even their assets. Others lived beyond their means or “pretended to be important,” took care of the bill in restaurants, and came to the rescue of everyone.
“I see all my clients are ashamed of the financial issue,” says Lally. “We live in a culture where money determines what we are worth.”
The origin of financial shame
We were born without knowing how to handle our money and everyone makes mistakes with their finances, said Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist from Ann Arbor, Michigan. In addition, there are many factors beyond our control, such as the economy, current trends and unemployment rates.
Many times, however, people think that something is wrong with them when they face financial difficulties. They may feel stupid, immoral, lazy, or don’t know how to handle money. They also torture themselves thinking about what they should and shouldn’t have done.
“When we make money mistakes or something happens to us, we tend to think of it as a personal mistake,” said Bryan-Podvin, author of “The Financial Anxiety Solution.” “Doing it to yourself is a good sign that you are ashamed of financial matters.”
Financial embarrassment can cause us to spend “to keep up appearances,” not thinking about our finances, or criticizing others who are also struggling, said financial planner Edward Coambs of Charlotte, North Carolina.
“Shame makes us judge others,” says Coambs. “Because when we see that people are having a hard time, it makes us feel bad.”
Many therapists and researchers say that shame is not guilt: we feel guilty when we have done something wrong and we feel ashamed when we think we are weak or flawed.
There are those who believe they are so flawed that they don’t deserve to be loved or related to others, Coambs said. In extreme cases, suicide can be considered.
“Shame is associated with loss of relationships,” says Coambs. “It’s a way of saying you’re worthless and don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you or with others.”
Shame and suicide
Suicides rarely have one cause, and researchers can only speculate as to why suicide rates are rising or falling.
Some studies indicate that they tend to increase as unemployment rates rise, and a 2020 study from the American Journal of Epidemiology indicated that financial hardship plays a big role in suicide attempts.
But in the past two decades, suicides have increased even in good economic times. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate has increased by 35% between 1999 and 2018.
In 2019, they fell from 14.2 suicides per 100,000 inhabitants to 13.9. Figures for 2020 are not yet available.
Lindsay speculates that stagnant income and growing economic uncertainty may contribute to this.
Coambs points out that men’s suicide rates in the United States are three times higher than women’s, which could be partly due to their sense of being the main breadwinner in the household.
“Men suffer the most (through financial setbacks) because they tend to associate their worth with their income or their assets,” said Coambs.
What to do about financial embarrassment
This is all worrisome. But suicides are preventable and financial shame can be controlled, financial therapists say. The first step is to recognize what you are feeling.
“The first thing to do, and the most pragmatic, is call things by name,” said Coambs. “Being able to describe your feelings in words helps start the process of relieving anxiety.”
You also need to get support. Being able to discuss financial embarrassment with someone you trust will help keep the person from feeling so lonely, Lindsay says.
“A lot of people think they are the only person in the world or the only person in their community who is financially embarrassed,” said Lindsay.
You have to be compassionate with yourself and learn from your experiences. Ask yourself what you can get out of this and what you need to correct next time.
Lally talks about her experiences on the TED Talk series and her presentation has been viewed more than 2 million times. It’s called “Let’s be honest about our financial troubles” and it belongs to a book called “Money Detox”.
“My mission is to get people talking about their financial problems,” said Lally.