Black narcissus
BBC1, last night
evaluation: 
For rent, spacious holiday with spectacular views, unsuitable for those suffering from vertigo. Pets are accepted (no liability is accepted for tragic animal accidents). Guests are advised to keep the mirrors covered at all times.
No wonder His Excellency the General has trouble finding tenants for his Himalayan palace in the Black Narcissus (BBC1). The blinds open and the doors slam shut. Cats fall dead. The caretaker pulls out bowls of milk for the resident ghost and the property comes with a zombied holy yogi man.
The ambitious sister Clodagh is determined not to consider all this work, because she and her four nuns have set up a Christian mission school, called the Holy Faith.
The Superior Sister is played by former Bond Girl Gemma Arterton, who was Strawberry Fields in the forgettable Quantum Of Solace (she may not want this to always be penetrated, but of course she will be Strawberry Fields forever).
The ambitious sister Clodagh is determined not to consider all this work, as she and her four nuns set up a Christian mission school called St. Faith.
Mopu Palace on the Indian border with Nepal was once the home of the concubines of the local maharajah. In 1914, his troubled daughter jumped from the bell tower into the ravine, and now, 20 years later, her restless specter follows the corridors, appearing in the mirrors as a kind of reverse vampire.
“True,” murmured the general (Kulvinder Ghir), “I never liked this palace.”
Foolishly, Clodagh refuses to be distracted by this, and when the very close novice Ruth (Aisling Franciosi) begins to stutter about seeing the dead, she gives him a stiff blow around the wimple.
But not even Clodagh can remain indifferent to Mr. Dean’s diabolical charm, played by Alessandro Nivola. Mr. Dean is flirting with all the nuns, a cigarette caught between his lips like a sexy Andy Capp. Ruth loses weight on her knees every time she glances.
The Superior Sister also wakes up fantasizing about walking on sunlit meadows and scuba diving in lakes, and I don’t think we need Dr. Freud to tell us what it’s all about.
If you haven’t seen the 1947 Oscar-winning film with Deborah Kerr, this adaptation of Rumer Godden’s novel looks original and surprising – an erotically charged combination between a horror film and Call The Midwife. In one scene, the ladies learn local raps, in the next they have hot flashes over the harem murals.
And they are all attracted by the stone staircase that clings, without a railing, to the side of the palace above a rock. It is the only way to the bell tower, and the nuns must ring regularly. You’d think that, better yet, Mr. Dean could at least arrange a wooden rail.
The strange name Black Narcissus continues tonight and ends tomorrow. It’s easily the best thing that happened over Christmas. Even if you are not a fan of ghost stories, it is worth watching the amazing scenery. Partially shot at the location in Nepal, it has a background of mountains so vast that they seem too large to fit in the sky.
Jim Broadbent also has a cameo, which plays a priest who simulates fever to get out of the post
He also introduces the late Dame Diana Rigg in his latest TV role, quickly breaking through the crazy attitude of Sister Clodagh, before sending her to the frozen north, announcing that no one thinks he is up to the job.
Jim Broadbent also has a cameo, playing a priest who simulates a fever to get out of the post.
Emergency parts for older TV titans can make production worse: Orson Welles used to do many of them, with his presence signaling that the budget was wasted before filming began.
But the appearance of these two stars in the opening scenes was well judged, reassuring us that this unusual story was based on high standards and attention to detail.
Rosie Cavaliero, Karen Bryson and Patsy Ferran are the other missionaries, wrapped in their coarse cotton habits. When they lay down to spend their first night on the floor of the stone palace, their heads and bodies were tied in white cloth and looked like medieval plague corpses.
Despite the strength of the cast around her, it is very much Miss Arterton’s job to lead the drama. Sister Clodagh’s self-confidence was shattered by the Mother Superior’s prediction that she was too self-centered and too inexperienced to cope.
The slightest threat to her authority makes her tremble with rage. Even the failure of the inner toilet to wash is considered a personal affront. So, as Mr. Dean walks through the muddy yard, whistling insolently and reviving the primary emotions he thought were buried, the poor woman is forced to be disturbed.
The locals all change the science of leer. This place was called the Women’s House, and the lack of freedom was soaked in its walls. Ankle-length gowns and a wooden crucifix are not a protection against this.
The women’s house would have a better title than the Black Narcissus. At the same time, so would the Ghost of the Concubine, the General’s Sister’s Death – or, if you want to go to Mills & Boon, how about the Heights of Forbidden Passion?
But forget the name. Anything else about it is wonderful.